Breaking news... I've gone mad.
Really, I have. Don't let my lucidity or glib prose style fool you, I've gone almost completely off the hat stand. My world has virtually collapsed in on itself. I have emotional troubles that have wrecked my relationships with those close to me, my finances have dwindled to almost nothing through a string of bad business decisions and I have only the most tenuous of holds upon my frayed and lacerated sanity.
Other than that it's been a good three months.
What is the reason for this you might ask (even if you are backing away enthusiastically towards the door and trying like mad to avoid eye contact)? Well there is never a simple one word answer to such a complex situation and even if there was I?d be earning a living selling it on the front of T-shirts instead of bellyaching to you.
The problem first started before Christmas, I had been worried about the reduction in my creative output for some time. Previously (on 24 - hah!!) I merely had to grab the neck of my trusty (rusty?) guitar and within ten minutes I had something that I could play in front of a crowd without getting lynched (with the exception of my song 'You Ain't So Bad Mr Hitler' which was deleted shortly after release). Today, I am barely able to rhyme Shabbier with Labia.
My madness stems from this creative constipation, I'm sure of it. I find myself staring at the static on TV trying to find the secret messages that the government beams out of the secret space station in geo-synchronous orbit above the UK. Late at night I swear I can hear the dogs in the street outside learning German. It's all building up to something and we're all going to be the victims of the result.
HahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahohohohohahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaheeheeheehahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaeoiuhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahasniggerhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahawank.
That said, I recognise the need to reclaim a sense of perspective and so immediately upon my return from our most triumphant trip to the USA (once again, thanks to Dan and Carlos for making our stay a memorable one), I declared myself a songwriting free zone. My guitars accrued a layer of dust, my keyboards grew mould and my vocal chords atrophied to such an extent I could speak Welsh fluently.
I have returned to school (metaphorically speaking) and begun to read books again, some even without pictures. I browse the racks of record shops digging out rare records played by bands with obscure sounding names like 'Taking Back Sunday', 'Neu!' and 'The Black Apples'. Most of it is shit but I'm on an extended frog kissing exercise so I'm prepared for some chapped lips.
Madness is a terrible thing as it never seems to rob you of your ability to do the wrong thing, just your ability to care that you are doing it. I also realised that it takes a lot of energy and creativity to be even mildly insane. If only we could harness that energy and re-direct it, we could heat entire cities.
On second thoughts I can't be arsed.
I hope to stop being mad in the near future but I'm not sure if that will result in me writing any more music. For now, I can always shamelessly rehash 70's disco/new wave hits and sell it to 8 year old fuckwits with more pester power than brain cells.
Ooh cynicism, I must be on the mend already...
I remain, thoroughly medicated,
Simon 'Spooner' Walsh