I
was looking through the bins at the back of my house last night for something
to eat when I found a small sheep lurking at the foot of the garden. As I approached
him, he greeted me with a warm smile and said,
‘Hello Simon, I’m a representative from British Airways and I’m here to offer you a once in a lifetime offer of a free trip to New York for you and three of your friends’
‘Fantastic.’ I replied, ‘What do I have to do?’
The sheep waved a hoof airily ‘Nothing much, you just have to play a small live show at a club called IMAGES, just across the Hudson from New York, on the 11th of January 2003’
‘This sounds very interesting indeed.’ I observed coolly, ‘Where exactly is this club?’
‘Oh, it’s located at 359 Fairview Avenue, Fairview, New Jersey 07702. The contact telephone number is +1 (201) 840-0330 and the club is open from 7:30pm through to 1:30am. The cover charge is $10.00’
‘What a well informed sheep you are.’ I cooed. The sheep trotted up to my front door and turned its head back to me.
‘May I come inside and talk more, it’s freezing outside?’
I motioned the sheep though the front door. Once upstairs he wandered around for a bit and complimented me upon my fine range of terracotta whippets collected through the years in memory of my brother’s envy of the diminutive dog’s speed over open ground.
The sheep looked out of my window ‘Could you bring my backpack upstairs please? I’m not very good with stairs.’
‘All evidence to the contrary’ I replied but seeing the sheep’s crestfallen face, I nipped back downstairs and collected the bag. Once back upstairs, I fixed us both some tea to warm the sheep’s cold bones.
I leant against the kitchen door and sipped my beverage while the sheep explained that I this free trip was a once in a lifetime offer and that I should accept immediately. I had to admit, the offer was tempting. It was a chance to play in the city where the Ramones grew up and changed the face of rock music, the home of CBGB’s and the place where seven years previously, I had lost my scarf.
‘It’s a once in a lifetime offer.’ The sheep prompted brightly
‘I understand that but remember that I have an obligation to my fan in Europe too. What if he misses me?’
‘Why don’t you just explain to him that this is a chance for him to get a pen friend through you.’ The sheep gave me a sly wink ‘Maybe even…a female pen friend.’
The sheep had a point and the more I thought about it, it became obvious that I owed it to my fan to get him another friend.
‘You know it makes sense.’ prompted the sheep.
I pondered for a few moments more before I straightened up and looked the sheep squarely in the eye.
‘I accept your offer.’ I proclaimed. This made the sheep very happy indeed and he jumped up and down on all four hooves making a terrible racket.
I walked towards the sheep and asked him to calm down but there was no stopping this beast. But in its excitement it began to knock over items of furniture. I tried to stop him but in doing so, my trousers got caught on the edge of a table and as I fell forward they were pulled down around my ankles.
My hand lashed out to steady myself but in vain. All I did was upset my guest’s bag and its contents were thrown across the floor of the room. I landed across the sheep’s back, and it was only then that I saw the bag was full of leather whips and strange PVC clothing. What did he need those for?
It was at that moment that my Fiancé returned to the house.
I remain, in hospital, on bail.
Simon Walsh.