Dear fiends (sorry, friends)
By some huge mistake, I have managed (with the aid of my very good fiend and collaborator, Rob 'majik thighs' Ramsay) to make it into the finals of the final Makeastar.com final online music competition final.
The history of how I got there is littered with shady backroom deals, sex scandals and corn plasters. Having said this, I have so far managed to beat the best of the best and beat about three hundred other prospective hopefuls for a place in the grand final with my latest song 'Snog the Badger' aka 'The June Jar'.
The reason for this mail is to humbly beg you to help me make that last step into stardom and vote 'The June Jar' into the top spot and grant me the divine chance to become a big star and ignore you all at stage doors as I sweep past dressed in gold platform shoes and nursing a drug habit so vast that it could replay the national debt of a small country within a matter of weeks. This little thing is all I ask of you, my fiends....
Your task (if you choose to accept it) is to goto www.MakeaStar.com, register your mail address and vote for 'The June Jar'. I'm up against a band that allegedly backed Osama Bin Landen's last attempt at a hit single 'I am a Mole and I live In a Hole'. Dear fiends, we must destroy them.
The prize (should I win) is a weekend away at the Cambridge Lesbian factory with a free camera and as much video tape as I can carry. In addition, my song will be put forward to 'top' A & R industry types who will attempt to engage me in a dialogue that should include said platform shoes and wage packet comparable to that of the average Premiership centre forward.
Should you have any problems please contact either myself or Rob at rob@simonwalsh.org We will of course, mumble something incoherent in reply and quickly move house.
All that remains to be said is I love you, unless I owe you money, in which case, I've never heard of you...
PS. Whatever happens, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you...